in charge

There was a dramatic difference in our home last night.

Let me give you some background information first. As you may know, we took an extremely long vacation earlier this summer. We loved it - L loved it. He seemed to be better adjusted during the vacation than his parents were! I started to think all those horror stories of traveling with a baby were not true, or at least that my baby wouldn't be like that. Oh little naive mother that I am.

The first night we were home, L woke up every three hours on the dot. I would feed him and help him fall back asleep. This happened for a full week. No problem, I knew it was apart of the adjusting back to normal life. (Mind you, before and during our vacation he would only wake up once - maybe twice - a night. That was easy - I could handle it)

After the full week, like clockwork, L started waking up every two hours on the dot. Same process, with sometimes trying to simply soothe him without nursing. This again happened for a full week. I was starting to question L's loyalty to me, and begin to worry that he delighted in only giving me an hour and a half worth of sleep at a time. He would smile every time he saw me! Doesn't this kid get it?

We're now home for two full weeks, and it's starting to take it's toll. But I have hope, thinking that he will return to his wonderful sleep habits soon. The next week was full of sporadic, unpredictable sleep. Sometimes he would wake up every hour, every other hour, sometimes every half hour. Once he actually went four hours - it was pure bliss! We had a doctor's appointment scheduled this week, and she said she normally gives infants three weeks to recover from a vacation. Considering how healthy (aka: huge, gigantic, chunky, plump, etc. - you get the idea!) L was, Dr. Gray said that he had every reason to sleep through the night, and suggested we might need to use some tough love to teach him that.

Oh - forgot to mention one small detail. Since the first day coming home, he had only taking 3-4 half hour naps during the day as well. 30 minutes exactly. Like an egg timer.

Cry it out. We'd heard it before, and read about it, and thought a lot about it. I had tried to do it other ways, and it really just was not working for this kid. I had been talking to friends about it for weeks by now, and finally felt justified by L's pediatrician that it needed to happen - for the sanity of everyone in our home! Ryan and I talked about it a lot and discussed how we wanted to do it. Finally after kind of trying it, and it not working, we set up some hard ground rules.

This was the dramatic difference in our home last night. Ever since the day L was born - actually, while I was still pregnant even! - he controlled us. We wanted it that way, and that's what newborns do. They tell you when they're hungry, dirty, or sleepy. And it's your job as a parent to trust that feedback and fix the problem. I was used to having my sleep be dictated by him, and honestly, I wanted it to be that way for a longer time. As much as I grumbled about getting up in the middle of the night, it was so fulfilling to be needed that badly. I love being needed like that.

But for the first time last night, Ry and I as parents (it's finally starting to sink in now) called the shots. The control baton was handed to us, and we ran with it. I did the normal bedtime routine with L, laid him down in his crib, and closed the door. We turned off the monitor, turned up the fan in our room, and went to sleep. He slept for more than three hours - because that's when we went to bed. I was a little restless throughout the night. At one point, I got up to pump (sorry if this is too personal - it had to be done!). L was screaming. I sat in the bathroom and listened to him as I pumped. Once I was done, he was still fussy, but definitely not screaming. I quietly gave him his pacifier trying not to touch him, and he immediately fell asleep. I went back to bed. The next time I fully woke up, it was seven in the morning. I'm positive that L woke up multiple times - but we left it up to him to fall back asleep.

In charge. I always knew that parents were in charge. Growing up that's the first thing you learn! So naturally, I assumed that one day I would be in charge as well. I don't think I ever wanted it to happen this early! I was scared to finally admit that I was telling L no, and calling the shots. I realize that after over three full weeks of horrible sleep at night and almost no sleep during the day, this was a good move to make. But it was a scary one. Not so much because I didn't want to hurt him emotionally or physically (I knew he was tough, and had enough food stored up to last him for a long time!); but because that meant I was finally in charge.

Funny, huh? As you grow up, you slowly start to realize that you are in charge of yourself. Especially going to college, you're definitely in charge of yourself. But to be in charge of someone else?! Someone who is so little, and who has and continues to be dependent on you for their daily needs?! I'm telling this little baby what to do?! It terrified me.

I better go - L just woke up from his nap. It was two full hours. Maybe this cry it out thing will work after all. :) Wish us luck.