This picture hangs just to the right of L's crib and it might be one of my favorites. My mom took it right when we brought him home from the hospital. The other night, L woke up after just an hour of going to the sleep and he was screaming pretty hard. Since this is so unusual for him, I went upstairs, gave him his bear and pacifier, and picked him up to help calm him down. Immediately he wrapped his arms around my neck, laid his head on my shoulder, and fell asleep. It was so instant and precious - and completely took me off guard. I glanced up at this picture, and then down again at this little toddler I was holding. A thousand thoughts and memories ran through my head, and a few tears fell down my cheek as I realized just how fast the time goes by.
I have struggled a bit lately with feeling like I don't have direction in my life. I have had some challenges out here in Ohio that I never expected to have, and it's hard that after two years I still have not quite overcome them. Sometimes I feel like I am just another person in the crowd without anything really meaningful to add to my surroundings. My life feels like a pendulum where I swing from being incredibly busy to completely burnt out and bored - all the while feeling as if it is out of my control.
An old friend of mine started a blog she calls "Life on Purpose." I found it a couple days ago and have really thought about that phrase - Life on Purpose. Living intentionally. That means having a reason, a motive, an ultimate destination in mind that directs every action you take. There are times when I feel that my purpose is clear and I know exactly where I am going and how I'm going to get there; other times when I feel the destination is known but the how is uncertain; and yet other times when I feel darkened toward both.
Holding L the other night and looking back over the past year and all that has happened helped me recognize - yet again - my need to live on purpose. I am far from perfect, and am still learning every step of the way; but I am grateful for those small moments that help me realize how precious and sacred life truly is. Moments that help me realize I am the one in control of my life and that I can live it on purpose. One of my favorite quotes from my college years hangs on the wall next to my desk:
"A Master at the Art of Living makes no distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his education and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues with excellence what he is about and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. He, himself, always knows he is doing both." - Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone July 1995
I know that I still need to work on the Art of Living. But I feel good about one thing: I held L a little longer than I normally do the other night ... and it was on purpose.
14 comments:
wow, Heath. That is beautiful. I especially love your last comment. Loving on purpose. Holding on to tender moments a little longer... on purpose. Thanks for sharing. You really brightened my day.
written so beautifully. I really needed to hear this. Thanks!
Loved it. Very inspired. You hide it well cause I always look at you and think, "wow, how can i be more like heather..she totally gets it" (i'm right, by the way).
Definitely words to live by - even in the sandbox!! I love you.
Heather, this is beautiful and inspiring, thank you. I'm printing it and sending it to Scott. Love you!
You're making me tear up. I loved hearing this and put so beautifully into words. My guess is that most mothers feel the exact same way, but don't describe it near as well as you. Thanks for insight and inspiration. I know it seems like we kinda don't know each other very well and then we kinda do-but I wanted to say I love you. :)
Oh I wish I could write feelings or anything as well as you do. What a wonderful post. Thank you. I definitely needed to read something like this. (especially now that Bailey is screaming is her bedroom because she doesn't want to sleep by herself- and it's almost midnight and I'm exhausted!!) =)
Love you Heath!
That was inspiring! Thanks. I think we all feel a bit swept along and not in charge at different times...I like the advice to live on purpose!! xoC
Heath, I'm so excited to live by you and learn from my little sister! You are wonderful - thanks for sharing your sweetness (and I mean 'sweetness' in a genuine, wonderful, refreshing-like-real-lemonade kind of sweetness). And thanks for that fantastic quote! Definitely words to live by. I love you love you love you!!
Thanks for the sweet, heart felt post! I loved reading this and have had similar moments as a mom. L is so lucky to have you as his mommy!
I have had similar thoughts recently too. Since Geoff and I have made out big move to Montello, we are constantly evaluating our daily life attitudes and effort. In our relief society we recently talked about having joy in the journey. I think that is what God intended. This life is to be lived and treasured for it only a short time and one day we will look back on it with fond memories.
Heather, Your thoughts brought me to tears b/c I can totally relate to that feeling. I also thought that was such a tender experience you had with L.I think one of the miracles of motherhood is being able to have those moments that freeze time amidst all the chaos and enjoy those profound moments. Those moments that make us realize what we live for.I love that phrase "living on purpose" I am going to try to be better at that too. Thanks for being the person you are and being an inspiration.
Heather, How much I love you!! You truly have always been so good with words! I miss so much having you close by. I found that quote the other day while I was packing (Family Recreation with Heather Johnson. . . the best class in the world!) and it was a great reminder to me, especially as I transition into motherhood. Thanks for your wonderful example and the reminder to live on purpose. I love you!
Heather I think every mom knows exactly where you're coming from. I can totally understand how some moms cave in to the need for more meaning in their lives by seeking out careers (some moms have no choice).Bbut the meaning, self-worth and understanding we gain from doing what it takes to care for our children and overcoming the world's view of the value of what we do is the greatest prize of all. Thanks for inspiring me today!
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