beautiful life

There is definitely something about Christmas that makes me nostalgic about life in general - not just the holidays of years past. I have felt this way every year; and usually it just increases my gratitude and appreciation for the important people in my life. But this year it's getting a little out of hand. Here are just a few examples:

• I specifically wait to read a friend's blog for a week or two (or three), and then gorge myself on reading, remembering, wishing, and commenting. It leaves me with a bitter-sweet feeling, and a very full heart.
• Seeing a picture of a Halloween costume on a younger brother made me tear up because L was best buddies with the older brother and I have a picture of them together years ago
• A box full of hand-me-downs came in the mail the other day from my sister. On top was a boy coat, and literally the instant I picked it up I saw him walking into our town home the day of his birthday, taking his coat off, and his little voice saying "Oh man! My coat still says 4 on it! But I'm 5 now!" and being so disappointed. And then I cried that he's not here walking into our house this year.
• While looking at a picture of my dad with one of his grandkids, I realized just how similar my face is to his - the chin, the cheeks, the nose. I definitely get my complexion, color, and freckles from my mom and think in general I look more like her (which I love). But this particular picture made me lean more towards my dad's face. Never having noticed this so much before, I cried because I am grateful that I look like him, and I miss him and my mom dearly (even though I get to see them in a month). 

Nostalgia is beautiful. Going back through memories, with the larger vision of life really helps you see the beauty in God's plan for us. Sometimes I find myself getting 'stuck' in memories, and sincerely wishing that I could relive those specific days again. 

Like being at Lake Powell the week before our wedding with Ryan's family. My father-in-law just sent us some pictures of that as a "warm memory for the cold winter" e-mail, and it made me stare at those pictures with such fascination. I have memories of that week, but I find myself wondering what my thoughts were, what I filled my days with, and how my dreams and hopes have changed through the years. According to the pictures, R and I were completely wrapped up in one another without a care in the world (as it probably should be for soon-to-be-newly-weds). Sure we knew that life is hard, and that it wouldn't always be that way. But we were enjoying the ease of our responsibilities, and I long for those days again. 

I have learned that there is danger in yearning for that idyllic past however. My memory (much like my father's) seems to naturally weed-out the negative experiences and cast a rose-colored hue to all the positive ones. While that is beautiful, and sometimes I stand in awe at those pictures in my mind, I know that typically it's not the whole truth. And I often allow myself to get carried away in that dreamland of memories more often than I should, and don't focus enough on the today as I need to. 

I know there's balance to everything in life, and I am often better in this than I am right now. Even with the challenges that R and I experience today and in this stage of our life, I find myself casting that rose-colored hue to it all. There is something sweet about the nostalgia of yesterday strengthening today. I am grateful for my memories, my experiences, my dreams of the past. They all add to and deepen my life today. And it's a beautiful life.